pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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