When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Well I just put wine in my tea
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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