you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
