wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
