I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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