Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
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I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
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I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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