so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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