tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
