her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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