Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just cropdusted the office
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
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