checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
