i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
