Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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