I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
