We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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