I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
