i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
