Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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