sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
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I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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