i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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