From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
