omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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