Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
