I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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