last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
