Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
