I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
