If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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