you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
