You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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