Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
