Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
