This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
