i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
