My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
