So drunk its hurt
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
