Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
