I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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