you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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