don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
