The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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