someone get that fucking seahorse.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
