if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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