Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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