Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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