I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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