They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
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There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
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Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was