why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.