I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
