my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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