Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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