I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
