dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
