did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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