I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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