Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
