I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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