So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
